I wanted to meditate.
Maybe it could bring me peace, change my thinking, make me better?
Problem was, there was never enough time. I had two young kids who weren’t sleepers. It felt like I was clawing back time just to think straight.
I felt like I couldn’t begin, never mind sustain a daily practice.
My mind was often blurry and reactive. I ALSO told myself this story: I have to do it completely right or not at all (a fantastic excuse that I’ve used time and again to stop doing something I want to do)
Nonetheless, I desperately wanted the effects of what meditation might bring. It trains the mind and creates a gap, the gap between reaction and response.
I was becoming an absolutely expert in reacting and I hated it. Response was what I craved.
I’d finally gotten to the point where it was more painful to do nothing than to do something imperfectly.